New video just went up! 
I've been going through a lot emotionally these past few months, so that energy has been coming through in the videos. For me this seasons is very 'in-doorsy' for me, and I can't help but do a lot of reflecting and looking within myself. That can either feel like  healing or drowning. But if I start to drown it feels good to use my creativity as a life jacket. If I'm feeling completely depressed and uninspired I'll say to myself "fuck it, I'm gonna create something anyway!" It's not easy, but I've never regretted it afterward.

First Chapter of Desserts is set to go up in January! Keep an eye out ;)

Picking Fights

 “know that it’s your decisions and not your conditions that determine your destiny” -Anthony Robbins 

In life there are so many problems.

There are problems that our world throws at us. And, time has taught me that, there are problems that I create in my head. But that fact has only left me feeling split in half. Like one half of me is versus the world and the other half is versus myself. And a lot of the times I get confused because it’s hard to determine which one I’m really up against in a situation. Then there is the question of how can I win a battle against one or the other with only one half of myself to fight with? 

I think this dilemma is what causes my alternate personality to come out. She is a total asshole, fuming with chaos, and she acts out based on all my deepest insecurities in an unfiltered rage. I don’t have a name for this version of me yet. Okay, we’ll just call her Argo for now.

 Honestly, I wish I could get rid of her for good, never to pop up unexpectedly again. She ruins my relationships and reputation. She fills my life with regret and self hatred. She was the reason my parents were skeptical about having me back in the home again. All the shitty things I’ve done to family and friends were, more often than not, totally unnecessary and I totally hate myself for them afterwards. I sometimes look back, cry and tell my self ‘sis, you have some serious insecurities and anger issues’ in hopes that I can use my regret as a tool to make me stop and think more before I blow a fuse. But that approach hasn’t worked so well because I still fuck up a lot. And Argo can still easily take over my mind.

For Example:

 One night I was participating in a wholesome DIY game of jeopardy with the fam. 

Me and dad had the highest scores, it was getting late, and everyone was getting tired of the game.

We decided to have mom and one of my brothers come up with a final tie breaker question for me and dad. Who ever got this last question correct won.

It was a question about some old school rappers and I got so pissed because I felt like they set me up with a question they knew I wouldn’t be able to get right.

In that moment I felt like it was me against them (the world).

I lost and my attitude turned hostile. I started snapping at everybody and I stormed off. 

From then on we didn’t play games as a family much anymore. Maybe because there was a sore loser who’s feelings everyone wanted to protect. I missed playing games as a family tho...and later I asked myself why I got so angry about loosing a stupid jeopardy game to my dad, why I felt as if they set up the last question in favor of him. 

Well, I thought, because they do favor him!

Is that true...? Why would I think that’s true?

I pondered for a while but it didn’t come to me until I laid to for bed that night. 

That’s when the realization came out of nowhere

I feel like they will always favor him because they left me in New York City to live with him. (something that will be touched on in Desserts)

I didn’t expect that one to bubble up, along with tears. 

I felt like because of the mistakes I made with my family in the past, I would always lose out on the chart of favorability

I realized that this was a subconscious thought that had been taking control of me for a long time. It was buried deep inside me.

So the truth is, it was me against myself all along. 

I dream that one day I’ll have tackled each and every negative insecurity hiding in my subconscious so that one day my mind can be like a lush garden free of all the weeds. I won’t have to fear Argo rearing her ugly head again and ruining all my progress. And with less of me is fighting myself, that means more of me to fight against my world problems. My mind would be this new well organized machine that can take feelings of anger, and self doubt or sadness and deal with them in a healthy way right then and there and not after I’ve already done damage. 

But that’s  just a dream. And as soon as I exterminate one jumble of negative nasties eating away at my subconscious, a new infestation has already grown from new failures and experiences.

 I believe I’m getting smarter about dissecting my feelings and at least trying to make a habit of thinking before I react. It’s not easy, and that’s why I feel like I’m going in the right direction. But with all these new battles arising in me, I wonder if the war will ever really end. Will I every be mentally ok? 

I don’t know. And I think, in the past, that not knowing made me want to harm myself and just give up. But right now I’m choosing to focus on a purpose. A purpose to heal for as long as it takes, a purpose to pour my artistic self into, a purpose to help others, a purpose to bring more honesty and attention to an issue that affects so many of us yet our society prefers to avoid.

 I have a long way to go, a lot of battles to face in my life. Expressing myself like this is all I really have to help me cope with my emotions and self doubt. But I’m happy I am able to do this, because who knows, maybe it could help someone who feels defeated in their mental battles get up again.