It’s so cold that pipes are freezing in the house, there is slippery ice on the ground outside. My mom pointed out to me that there were flurries of snow this morning. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I was so damn uncomfortable and now I’m thinking maybe it was because the temperature dropped. Every time I seemed to get in the right position and thought I’d finally tucked in every side of me that needed tucking I would settle in awaiting sleep to fall upon me. Then all of a sudden I’d feel a annoying little breeze creeping into my cocoon of blankets, whispering little indescrepencies to some part of my skin. And it would be so unsettling and agitating I would have to re-position and re-tuck myself all over again. But it kept happening and I just gave up! I couldn’t sleep and I was up all night being tired and stuck in my head.
My mom is a hero. She wakes up so early for the day no matter how cold it way be. She always wearing warm layers and a fuzzy robe around the house, so I imagine she puts it all on first thing in the morning like a suit of armor. She cooks everyone breakfast and turns on the carasene heater so we can be a bit more warm and comfortable when we wake up. This morning she made me a hot cup of apple cider to go with my breakfast, and it was really good. All this and she still has so much energy and funny stories to tell me while I eat the breakfast. As I was writing this in my journal this morning, she was on the phone moving around dentist and doctors appointments for my brothers. I think about how every morning I have this lazy debate with myself to get up and just go pee, no it’s too cold or getting up is so much work is usually how my brain and body respond. Then when/if I finally do go pee I end up half way falling back to sleep on the toilet. When I think about that it makes me wonder “how does my mom do it? Wake up and do all this stuff every morning?”
I remember a moment when the dad  said to me: “you’re mom would do anything for you guys.”
This morning she was telling me a funny story of when one of my older sisters was a baby and mom used to put pretty hair ties on her even though she had only like two strands of hair. At one point she said “I usually didn’t realize how happy I was back then because I would be so focused on what I didn’t have.” In my head I was like wow that sounds just like me. It got me thinking and then I went to write in my journal.
Anyway, I want to talk about fear today. I want to address some of my biggest fears when it comes to this ‘creative endeavor’ I’m on, what is it that I’m afraid of?

• I’m afraid of putting my life story, my failures, and fuck ups out in the open. I afraid that doing that will only result in me being made fun of, looked down on, and putting my hard work and honesty to waist. 
• I’m afraid my family will judge me—and honestly I hate myself for that, because why should I really care what they think of me at this age and that kinda makes me feel like a sad case became I really haven’t reached the level of independence I should be on. 
• I’m afraid I possess a genuinely good story but my artistic ability and resources aren’t substantial enough for me to tell it in a exciting and compelling way. 
• I’m sometimes have doubts that the story I want to tell really has any meaning at all. I mean it’s not like my problems (new or old) are special or unique, they’re not. But isn’t that what gives them the potential to resignate with someone who’s going through similar problems (now or in the future)?? 

Fear and doubt haunt me even as I try to use my medium for something good, something that I hope with all my heart can reach someone who needs to see someone else in the media experienceing struggles similar to theirs but is able to get up again still. It’s always been this sort of battle for me in my head, and despite my hard work sometimes things still turn out shitty. But I survived, life goes on, there’s always another way, a next step. Remembering this essentially makes me do what I want anyway. Despite fear of failure, despite doubt, do it anyway. 

And despite the cold and flurries, this morning  I forced myself to go to the library (albeit it was mostly thanks to my mom!) and make a blog post. So here I am. And it feels good. 

Oldie but goodie, I took this picture in Astoria, Queens. A time when I was going crazy with my new toy, a Canon digital camera. 

My Goals: 

• For YouTube: 3 Episodes of Desserts finished and edited by February 15th, 2019. 
• For This Blog: Post every day (except Sundays) for a whole year. Yes, Margo, that means until December 30th, 2019.
• For Myself: STOP wasting time, energy, and fucks on stupid trivial stuff that isn’t gonna contribute to my creative goals.